Saturday, January 17, 2015 @ 6:54 AM
For some people, no not some. For majority of people they say 2015 is just a new plain year like the other previous years where nothing actually change but the number of the year. Same self, same things to go through, same ""shit"" or whatever they claim it to be. They say -- it all still are the same.
Not for me.
Even I had to change my ambition -- which hurts so bad. Started school on Jan 12th. It was the worst day of my life. And since then I never had a beauty sleep at night. Have been crying my eyes out since that day. It was a total nightmare, I've been praying to God to please wake me up. Until today I still hope for that day was just a dream. & He didnt grant that one.
I believe it when they say that He never says no. That there's never a "no" from Him. That He either says "Yes," "Yes, but not now," or "I have a better plan for you."
For sure it's not a Yes for me this time. And I still dont know if it's a "later" or He has a better plan for me.
I, since teachers start asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I never had to think twice. I only had one ambition.
And then I grew slightly older. They changed the question to a much simpler way because I was wiser. Umur dah up sikit. People no longer ask apa nak jadi besar nanti to a 12 years old. Kita tanya, "apa cita cita?"
Still the same. And I thought that day, ok, this is what I want to be, it will not change. No matter what.
But there go, my wrong. My fault. Because all I ever do was hope. And keep reminding myself that that's what I want to be, itu cita-cita kau. But I didn't work my best for it. Instead I even failed dekat tengah tengah jalan.
Not even slightly close nak dapatkan, and then fail.
My PT3 results suck. It was the worst thing that had happened to me, lepas 15 taun of living. It was the worst so far I swear to God. It changed the whole game. The whole plan I made for my future sejak I was 11/12.
But I don't know if that sucks more or the time my name been called to enter a class dengan aliran ICT. I don't know which sucks more.
No, I am not saying my class sucks. Aliran ICT sucks. Or I have no future or takde peluang kerja in 20 years. I love my class.
ICT is fun. Siapa tak suka komputer? I am a student. Dude, a secondary school student. Internet. This thing yang sangat dunia kini. I cannot live without computer, technology, internet and all of this.
The thing I've been crying my eyes out over adalah sebab I have to make myself a wake up call everyday that, now, wahai diri, you, can not & can never achieve your dreams anymore. Sangat jauh from aliran ICT to become a doctor.
I had, to change my ambition.
And my friend, it hurts. Very, extremely hurts. Still I can feel my heart aches everytime I see anything related to doctor -- hospital and so on.
But ICT is one of the thing yang aku sangat minat. Can't say yang aku sangat anti ICT dan sangat tak suka ICT, because computer is my thing. Tech is so my thing. Sangat sangat minat. I love solving problems yang berkait dengan laptop.
But the issue is, my ambition was to be a doctor. My only ambition. No, not was. Still is. Nak jadi doctor ofkoz la kena amik aliran science. Apa tiba tiba belajar komputer keluar keluar jadi doktor kan? Hahak! *masukkan cip dalam badan pesakit*
I can do nothing about it. I dont know where I'm going sebab aku taktau pun aliran ICT ni bila keluar alam sekolah boleh jadi apa. Aku taktau pun aliran ni wujud sebenarnya. Aku tau pasal komputer, basic things, tapi aku taktau what to become. Engineer computer? Programmer? Tu je aku tau.
2015 is a total different year, different everything untuk aku. Everything's changed. Dan all I aim for adalah to score my maths, science and addmaths untuk 1st upcoming exam nanti -- ayah said to score addmaths.
I hope I can go far in this. I promised myself to not play around and keluar every week anymore. Lol.
Anyways, I've visited alot of cool cafes previously with my friends tapi on 2014 la and ingat nak update but photos semua dalam phone. So I'll update soon! Ciao.